My brother and his family came down to the cottage yesterday. I was looking forward to the company. G Man took my nephews for a boat ride and some tubing. My brother fixed the gate area that Sammy the mini doxie was using as an escape route to access the road, causing traffic to come to a halt, while he gazed up at the people shouting at him from their car windows.
My sister in law and I had a beer. While we were relaxing she told me my oldest nephew, who will be 14 in a month, was seeing a therapist. The week before school let out one of my nephew's friends was so concerned about him that the friend went to a teacher.
I have known that D ( my nephew) has been bullied unmercifully since 6th grade. There was an incident that got physical and my nephew did not defend himself and ended up crying, which only spurred the bulling. The worst part is, his mother got involved and as she said "got in the face of the other kid". The bulling intensified after that. My nephew did not want to go to school and his grades were suffering. He is very feminine looking, small for his age, and one of the youngest in his class. D was switched to a different part of the middle school for 7th grade to help prevent the bulling. It didn't. ( No surprise there for me)
His mother and my brother are the biggest part of the problem. K ( his mom) knows everything, just ask her she will tell you. She prevented both my nephews from participating in sports because she did not like the other parents, the coaches, and board of volunteers. Mostly because people would not do things the way she said the things needed to be done. She coached soccer for one season and was not asked back. According to her everyone is wrong but her. My youngest nephew's behavior in school was not normal, the teacher said he was extremely frustrated and did not socialize well with the other kids and had no friends, he was always alone. The teacher suggested he see a counselor. My sister in law said that he did not need a counselor and that all the other kids were not normal and were wrong. My brother just hides his head in the sand and let's my sister in law be the boss of the world. It's easier for him that way.
So getting back to D. My heart is sick. He is seeing a therapist because he has been cutting himself. He is depressed. He won't make a move without his mother's permission. I want to hurt my sister in law. This child is the way he is because of her. She is mean spirited, humiliates him in public, prevents him from making decisions, teaches him to find excuses for not trying, makes him a nerdy geek by enrolling him in FENCING CLASSES as a sport. Who the fuck fences as a sport in the town they live in? NO ONE!!!!! She told him that he will be popular because she was head of the PTA and everyone knew her. She knows the superintendent on a first name basis. SO he will be popular because of her!
She is so into being posh, rich, highly educated, country club Beverly Hills that it is an illness. She lives in a fantasy and has dragged her boys into it. Now my nephew cuts himself. He is the smelly kid in school, he doesn't shower or brush his teeth. He defended his younger brother New Year's Eve and was so scared his mother would find out he could not stop crying. He was terrified she was going to punish him for pushing the other kid. Can you imagine living like that?
My sister in law claims that D will not talk to the therapist by himself. She told me D said he has nothing to hide so his mom can be in the session with him all the time. Is that normal? I think not. She did say the therapist has insisted twice that D talk with out her in the session. Personally I believe K does not want D to tell what is really going on in the house.
So what do I do?
Instant Pot Christmas Roast
8 years ago
8 comments:
As someone who has been there and done the self harm thing, I really suggest that he does talk to a therapist without his mother around. I get on so much better with my mum than I did 5 years ago, and a lot of that was having someone to talk to without her around and without fear of recrimination. If she heard some of the stuff I'd said about to her my counsellor I think I would die of embarrassment, because I really don't feel that way and it's worrying to think I ever did.
And let him know you're around if he needs to talk to someone other than his mother. My parents are divorced, so I always had him to talk to when it came to ranting about my mother, but my aunts helped too. So let him know that he can talk to you without fear of you telling his mother.
Sorry, that kinda turned into an essay.
I used to get beat up and picked on. aLOT. When you're the smallest kid in the class, it's bound to happen. Well that and being TOtally obnoxious.....
talia: thanks I do try to make myself available to him. I know he is afraid I will tell his mom stuff. I never have tho.
Dick: he is obnoxious too! like his mother a know it all
Ah, that could be one of the problems. Once you're known as "The Obnoxious Kid", you're marked 'till graduation. Or 'till you move... believe me, I know.
I know what it's like to lose a brother to a succubus. At least your nephew is getting help, so that's a start. Other than your family just being there for those kids, there isn't really all that much else you can do, which just sucks donkeys.
I would have no problem going to my sister and telling her what an ass she was being if she was this way. Even though he's a nephew, he's blood and he matters.
I would definitely stick up for the kid.
Tough stuff, Cheer. Really.
I'm so sorry for a very long comment.
IMO, if you step in toward the sister in law, she will shut you out. You will become one of "them" (the ones that are all wrong)in the mom's eyes, therefore the kid. That won't help the kid a bit.
She doesn't understand her role as a leader in HIS life. She is so wrapped up in her own life, her own issues, that she projects it on to her kid. So sad.
When all else fails, love *him*. No matter what, love HIM. He is the one that needs someone, and he will move toward that love if it is there. It's basically what tallia said. He needs leadership in his life, so provide it where you can.
Stay close, provide leadership with quality. The child will gravitate to it. You will gain influence by showing him you understand and care.
Going through the parents is fruitless - unless they *ask*, and it sounds like they have their own stuff in the way.
If mom (or dad) can't take responsibility for their influence on their kid through their role modeling, how can their kid learn that behavior? (taking responsibility for his own behaviors that affect how others treat him) Instead, they take the "it's them, it's their fault", victimized approach. It's a learned behavior - as you pointed out.
Good luck. Stay in the circle of influence... don't get yourself shut out.
Thanks everyone. Good advice from all of you. I do love my nephew(s) and plan to be a part of their lives. Bubbles is correct about my sister in law, I do not want to become oneof them so I have to be careful or she will shut me out.
Post a Comment