My mom called me yesterday to let me know what the 4th doctor said about her hip and knees. Please understand I love my mom, but she has been known to exaggerate her illnesses for attention. That being the only major personality disorder that plagues her and the only one that extremely annoys me.
The exaggerated illness have resulted in her going to the hospital twice because she claimed she was having a heart attack, nothing wrong was found. She did, does, have diverticulitis but made her condition worse by eating all the things she was told not to eat. The result was numerous hospital stays, until she had to have very serious surgery that almost cost her, her life.
Her new complaint is arthritis in her knees and hip, which she does have. I have spoken to her doctor only once. My mom signed the form to allow it, but rescinded after she realized I found out things she claimed were wrong were in fact not. So no more speaking with her doctor for me.
Last year she called to tell me she had scheduled surgery for hip replacement in October. I couldn't believe it and tried to talk her out of it. She became angry and let loose with what was really bothering her. Loneliness. She had no one to take care of since my dad died, all the kids were working including me and no one had time for her. Which is not true, but in her eyes it was. I suggested many ways she could occupy her time and enjoy what she was doing. But she was not going to hear any of it. Eventually she hung up on me. 2 days later she called back, apologized and said she cancelled the surgery.
I was surprised yesterday when she told me that the 4th doctor pretty much told her what I have been telling her. She has to loose weight and start walking. Hip surgery was a long way off, she is to young for that kind of surgery, recovery is a long haul, and replacement surgery is the last resort. But she made sure and emphasised that her knees are almost bone on bone, and that the hip is really bad.
Over the last few years I have tried to get her to occupy her time with volunteer stuff. She doesn't want to be committed to it. She wants her schedule free. For what I do not know. I do know that she has started smoking again, and eats all the time. I have left detailed messages for her doctor to which I know the doctor can not respond, but at least she can talk to my mom about the issue I call about.
My mom is only 69. She has 7 grandchildren. I know my mom is lonely, but believe it is her choice. She claims to be depressed but I don't know. That is something I think people use as an excuse to avoid reality and so they can continue to be lazy. She claims she does not have the money to see a counselor, but spends her money on painting the basement floor so water will not seep in. Water has never seeped in the basement. It's been dry for 47 years. Priorities I guess.
At least this last doctor had the sense to tell her the truth.
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10 comments:
I feel for you cheer. It sucks that you want to live your own life, yet help out your mom too.
I'm in the same spot. My step-father died six or seven years ago and my mom, 68 is all by herself out in the middle of 120 acres of corn in Nebraska with the closest town 20 miles away. She beckons me to come visit all the time and even though it's only six hour drive, I am busy with all the things I do here in Colorado. I don't want to abandon her, but there's nothing for me there. It wasn't even ever my home and she is not willing to come here. So I sit around with a lot of guilt on my hands.
It's so hard moving away from your parents because of work. I'm in the same boat. I wish I could live closer to my mother and see her more often, but I cannot give up my job. I try and make the trip home every two weeks so I don't feel to guilty.
cheer- i was in the same position about two years ago. not so much with the fake illness/attention seeking but the loneliness. it killed me to talk to my mom on the phone because i heard feel how lonely she was. my husband and i could not afford to give up our jobs here, but since my mother does not work we decided to bring her to us. before last year she lived 4 hours away. trips to see her were always a huge hastle. now she only lives 10 minutes away, and a town over from us. i have seen a big change in her mental health because her involvement with my kids gives her a sense of purpose. now we are able to see her all the time, its wonderful having her live in town! have you ever considered moving her closer to you?
anon: my mom only lives 10 minutes away. She is lonely by her choice. Ex. she was suppose to go to my nephew's concert 2 nights ago, I talked to her 1/2 hour before she was to go. After my mom finished talking with me she called my sister in law to tell her that my mom would not be able to make it. That is the kind of choice she makes.
Hi Cheer!
It does sound a bit like depression, but correcting it is a choice. Medication, even on a short term basis, is an option- and can be stopped if it isn't effective.
From my observations with my parents, the ability to cope with the changes that age brings to our lives and our efficiency in living is handled differently by everyone.
My dad hated it, and only when he knew a knew grandchild was coming did he make an attempt to survive. It was too late. He wanted his body to do everything it was ever able to do until the end. Anything else pissed him off.
My mom fought hard to accept her limitations - I think to be here for me, at least that is what the medium indicated. She dealt with depression, though. Her spirit was so willing and her body would not.
I'll tell you what I told my myself and kids when they were frustrated by some of my mom's opinions, or behaviors....
"Chances are you will outlive (mom / grandma), and that is exactly as it should be. It is the natural order of things, and exactly how she would want it.
She has lived a long life. Chances are she isn't going to change before she goes.
So you have a choice. You can accept her for what she is, love her in spite of her flaws.
Deal with her in whatever way you want to look back to and remember.
Just remember it is your choice. Make sure you choose an approach that will comfort you when you look back when she is gone."
I do not say this to preach. I share it because it maked me look at her and our relationship in a completely different way. Conflict and differences became so much easier to overlook. My kids, too. We all remember our times with mom in the final years of her life as special and beautiful - in spite of some times where she said things we didn't like / want to hear, or did things we thought were 'wrong'.
Today it is all irrelevant. She is gone - she died at age 77, very suddenly. I have no regrets. I just miss what we had together.
I hope this helps in some way because that is the sole intent!!! :-)
Duh... "made me", not "maked me"
:-)
HI AB: where have you been?
Thanks for the advice, I try hard to overlook the annoyances and generally do. Most are easy to overlook. Except when they begin to interfere with reality. Like the hip surgery. She wanted me to close my store and take care of her during recovery.
I think alot of it is becasue I was the one who helped take care of my dad. He was sick for so long and I was a stay at home mom, so my schedule was more flexible then my siblings and my kids were older too. Now I am working again and my schedule is less flexible. It goes back to the loneliness factor, she wants someone to take care of to feel useful, I think. It's sad. But she took care of our family since my sister was born 49 years ago and now that we are all grown with our own families and my dad is gone she has no one to care for. She married my dad when she was 19 and always had a defined purpose. She needs to talk to a professional an unbiased person. I will keep mentioning it.
I really couldn't add to all the great remarks above, but just know that I am here to vent to.
I work with older people everyday. Some of them don't have anything else to do but find something wrong. They are depressed but have been for many years.
If I had to deal with something like this I think I'd find a happy place for me where she's concerned.
She is your mom and you need to find a comfortable place so there will be no regrets.
Good luck. Parents are an interesting adventure.
Ah, Cheer
I see what you mean.
You are right about how it might be a plea for your time. She saw you with your dad.
My thought was that she was hoping omething all better.
hip replacement would make some physical limitation go away.
Either way, I feel for your mom (and you, of course!).
The cycle of child to mother is big. The cycle of mother to child must be so much bigger, you know what I mean? I'm sure it will be so hard for me when the time comes for me. (At least I hope it does! It is better than the alternative, if I'm still fun to be around, anyway!)
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