My brother David called my house while I was in NYC and left a message with my daughter Jenny. She called me as soon as she hung up with David. The message brought sadness, but not guilt or a need to examine decisions made by me a year ago.
The message concerned my 49 year old sister, who has not spoken to me, our mom or our youngest brother Matt since our father died 4 years ago. She did not speak to Matt or me for a few years prior to our dad's death either. Her reasons are many, varied and most are figments of her imagination. She believes she is the victim of everything and events are purposely done to her to make her life miserable. She has a daughter that she does not have a relationship with, has divorced her ex-husband twice, has affairs, is mean, full of anger, and spiteful. Recently her boyfriend of 5 years told her to pack up and get out. My sister has been on her own for 3 months and all ready has a new boyfriend, he is 12 years younger then she.
Part of the message was my mom and I are not to know where my sister is living or her telephone number. She wants no contact with us. I have worked out all the emotions of sadness, guilt, and the need to to help my sister. She has chosen the paths of loneliness, isolation from most of her family, and the continuation of dysfunction inherited from our father and the generations of his family before him.
Counseling and G Man helped me understand the whys of my family's problems and how to let go of them. I have been happy and have a life filled with happiness and good people for years now. Perfection will never be attained and is not realistic, but the pursuit of goodness, happiness and giving back positively to the community are the paths I have chosen.
My sister is alone. She has no one who loves her in her life. Her vindictiveness, jealousy, and meanness have taken over her life. Reconciliation is not possible. I hoped and tried for along time to have a relationship with my sister. She is my big sister, the only sister I have, someone that should be my best friend, someone I should be calling every day to kibbutz with, go shopping with, make plans with, but that fairy tale relationship never happened and will never be.
My sister has breast cancer.
Instant Pot Christmas Roast
8 years ago
8 comments:
I am sorry to hear about your sisters breast cancer Cheer. I wonder though, what was the motivation behind her contacting you after cutting off all communication with you?
Skylers Dad: She contacted my brother, told him not to give us her address and telephone number that she did not want to hear from us. She knew my brother would not keep the breast cancer news to himself. While she did not specifically ask for him not to tell us she was sick, she made it clear that her mindset has not changed over the years.
My sister is a very manipulative person and I believe that this is one more way for her to punish the people she thinks have given her a miserable life. The realization that my sister is self destructive due to her own perspective for the way her life has turned out, took me many years to accept.
Some people may think it is a cry for help, I started to hope for that and was going to try to reconnect with her. That is until my brother told me my sister said she just wanted us to know she was sick and not to contact her.
We have been thru this before with her. She has used her arthritis as a tool to have us come into her life only to spew her vennmous anger at us. It is a cycle with her. she needs professional help and refuses to accept it.
I am extremely sad over this and quietly send her prayers and positive engery. Hopefully this will help her.
That's a tough one, Cheer.
I'm sorry that your relationship with your sister seems so intractably irreperable. But you need to let yourself off the hook about it-- it's not something that you did.
Thanks Johnny. Letting myself off the hook took me years to accomplish. My role in the family is care giver. The person every one counts on to help, it's a tough role to break out of but I am shedding that skin. Saying NO is hard but I heave learned that sometimes I have to, and it gets easier every time I do. This episode with my sister is going to be very difficult, but I know I am not responsible for her decisions or behavior.
So sorry to hear about your sister.
Angry is such a bad place for a person to be, and I'm sorry that she is alone for this.
But as you have said, anger is a choice.
Good luck as this proceeds forward. Keep us posted.
Uggh. That's so sad. I can't imagine life without my sister.
I know it's an older post and I hope your sister is managing with the breast cancer.
Reading your brief synopsis of her history, I couldn't help but think of my own miserable ex-wife whom I suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder. When I read your description, it immediately popped into my head.
You should look into that. I'm not sure what you would be able to do at this point, but it could give you some piece-of-mind in understanding her behavior.
To see my story, check out my disaster at http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
Best wishes!
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